Scene: In a bar. PAT has had a few drinks, and is trying to build camaraderie with the bartender.
PAT:
Of all the words in all the languages in all the world, "love" is the most...meaningless. My friends told me, "When you fall in love, then you'll understand." Well, now I understand they're full of it. Falling...on my face...doesn't help clarify anything. (receiving no sympathy) Yeah? Why don't you give it a try, huh? I'll tell you what, to make it easy, just tell me what part of speech is it. What part of speech is the word "love"? Do you think it's a noun, like "I gave her my love"? Hah! No way. It's not a noun. Nouns are persons, places and things. There's no actual thing given... A verb? "I loved her, she loved me"? No, verbs are actions--they're what love makes us do... An adjective, as in "a loving relationship"? Ah, you're sneaky--you are so sneaky! How can I prove anything isn't an adjective? When it comes down to it, every adjective is in the eye of the beholder. You say po-tah-to, I say po-tae-to. What's the difference? But adjectives are just decoration; they don't count. (beat) I wish love were so unimportant, but it can't be... "love" can't be just an adjective... it's not a noun, it's not a verb, and it's not an adjective. Do you want to know what it is? It's like the word "hello"... like "I hello you."... "Hi."... (suddenly sincere) "No, you don't understand, I really hello you." (laughing) Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain--he'll only confuse you...(calms down, then sincere again) "I really...hello... that present you gave me..." (laughing) See? Do you get it now? It's... polite...to say... something... in acknowledgement... to make some sort of... noise, some... indication... a grunt or something... yeah, that's it. That's what it is--the word "love" is a grunt with a vowel in the middle...You think I'm a nut? Well, I wish you were right, believe me, but it's no use ignoring the facts: first there was grunting, then there was speech, and there was bound to be something that wouldn't convert. Picture it--there's this neanderthal child...he's crying, because, oh, I don't know, he's scared of the dark. And his mother says, (sympathetically) "ahwwww..." which means "Don't worry, dear. Mommy loves you..." No words can describe how "ahwwww" could possibly protect anyone from giant scary monsters, but the kid shuts up anyway because...well, he thinks...he thinks this "ahwwww..." stuff must have something to it, something he could lose if he doesn't stop whining...OK, so then, the next day the kids start arguing, "Urghh!" "Arghh!" "Urghh!" "Arrghh!"...which means, "Mommy loves me more!" "No, Mommy loves me more!" "Does not!" "Does too!"... You see what she started? Then, Dad comes home. He sees them fighting, right? So, before Mom can dump the kids on him, he says, (sexy) "mmm-mm..." which means, "Hey, baby... I loooove you..." Incredible! It's meaningless noise, but she starts to worry--in the back of her mind she starts to think, "Maybe I'd better quiet those kids down, or I might miss-out on some of that 'mmm-mm', whatever it is." Well, it doesn't take long for the rest of the world to catch on. You too can win friends and influence people without actually committing yourself to anything. Grunt at your family. Grunt at your friends. The more you grunt, the better they'll treat you! Your grunting will become the pulse of their life dance. "Uhmp... uhmp... uhmp... uhmp..." Politicians deliver blather to millions! God has evangelicals to grunt on His behalf: "Ding-dong! Hi! Unga-hoona oowa-oowa!"...and don't forget that singing purple dinosaur... Well... now, of course, my girlfriend is doing it... She asked me how much I love her. How much do I unga-hoona oowa-oowa? I'm trying to evolve beyond that. I... admire her. Sometimes I wish I was her. I... trust her. I'm... committed to her... and, yeah, she really turns me on. I've told her that. I mean, I've told her all those things... but to say the words "I" "love" "you"? That's a control tactic--I can't do that to her! And then what do I get, for all my chivalrous sophistication? She says, "Huh..." Damn! It felt like she slammed a door into my face! ... "Huh..." Can you believe that!? ... (several beats, as though several times reconsidering what to say next) Well, maybe its not too bad; "Huh" means she still loves me, right?
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