The Greeks had four different words for love: philios, storge, eros, and agape. This post is about four kinds of eros, four reasons people pursue each other romantically:
The first reason to pursue someone romantically is the same reason we pursue our family; because they are ours. When we say, "Love the one you're with," we are recommending this kind of love. When a couple has been together for a while, this can be the eros that keeps them together. It can also be what causes best friends to fall in love. Long distance is worrisome because it threatens this kind of love.
The second reason to pursue another person romantically is because you like the way that person lives his/her life and want to be a part of it. You want to be the hero behind the hero. This attracts us to people who sacrifice themselves for others, people who are (or are likely to become) parents, who have a ministry, a charitable nature, or cause. "I get you," means I can love you in this way. Modern society makes it difficult to earn such flattery at the age of first love, so it may be more likely among couples who meet later in life. Waiting for it might be foolish, however. It's fragile; no admiration lasts forever.
The third reason to pursue another person romantically is to conquer or save that person. We see a person with power--wealth, education, confidence, or sexual power--who doesn't seem to deserve it. They don't rise to the level of responsibility we think they should; in that sense they "play hard to get," and get under our skin. Our only hope of escape from this haunting "love" is to master our oppressor, so we try to bond ourselves to him/her, not out of admiration, but because of our own inability to forgive.
The fourth kind of eros is the pursuit of being pursued. It is gratitude intense enough to rise to the level of bonding. It is the kind of love we hope to win when we feed another's vanity, and perhaps the way a vain person hopes to love. It differs from the second kind of eros in that it involves admiration for what the other person does for us personally, rather than objective admiration. It shares the same fragility and gets even more competitive as we keep looking for someone else who can make us feel even more grateful...
A culture of monogamy and marriage (and arranged marriage) is biased towards the first kind of love. Given the fragility of the alternative kinds, it is understandable that we create such cultures.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Gadflies, Intimacy, and God
If you have been following my research, then you know that "gadfly" is a type of person, like male or female, not just a role that one can adopt or abandon at will.
A gadfly can act like he or she is not a gadfly, but will still be a gadfly inside. In other words, to achieve emotional intimacy with a gadfly, to love a gadfly for who he or she is, one must love that he or she is a gadfly. But a gadfly is someone who challenges others, so only someone who values humility can love a gadfly intimately. Anyone who does not seek humility can have only a superficial relationship with gadflies--such a person may be committed to a gadfly, but cannot love him or her intimately.
Why would anyone not value challenge and humility?
In short, there is really good reason to name gadflies after a creature which stings--they bring social and psychological pain. It's no wonder the people of ancient Athens put Socrates to death for being a gadfly!
But I want to point-out that people can have good reason to seek challenge and humility. We cannot reach our full potential without challenge, and we will be blind to certain truths if we lack humility. The wife of a gadfly told me why she stayed married to him: "Because I know what I can do, and what I can't do. The world needs trouble-makers because the rest of us don't have what it takes to fix the world without them." She didn't need to be humbled herself, but sought humility for the rest of the world.
Elsewhere I have suggested that our ability to relate to God depends upon relationship skills honed relating to humans. I wouldn't call God a "gadfly", but one cannot help be humbled upon confronting God's true nature. If we cannot tolerate intimacy with gadflies, how can we tolerate intimacy with God? On the flip-side, gadflies seeking someone with whom they can share emotional intimacy may be wise to look among the reverent. Those who can be intimate with God have the skills to be intimate with a gadfly.
I have been wondering what kind of husband and father a gadfly can be (the question humbles me). On the one hand, the wife and children of a gadfly are likely to be more humble and better able to face challenge. On the other hand, they may become overwhelmed with expectations, or may fear intimacy and transparency, having been stung.
The Gadfly Dad may suppress his true nature much of the time, fostering shallow relationships so as to avoid creating discomfort, but he cannot truly be a part of his family if he hides from them forever. One can only pray that such families find reconciliation, and that the fruits of their efforts include greater intimacy with God.
A gadfly can act like he or she is not a gadfly, but will still be a gadfly inside. In other words, to achieve emotional intimacy with a gadfly, to love a gadfly for who he or she is, one must love that he or she is a gadfly. But a gadfly is someone who challenges others, so only someone who values humility can love a gadfly intimately. Anyone who does not seek humility can have only a superficial relationship with gadflies--such a person may be committed to a gadfly, but cannot love him or her intimately.
Why would anyone not value challenge and humility?
- If we are already struggling, additional criticism might offer no benefit.
- Challenge leads to higher expectations which in turn lead to higher failure-rates and greater incidence of depression and disappointment.
- Inflated self-confidence is a self-fulfilling prophesy--it helps us secure friendships and leadership positions--and humility undermines that process.
- Furthermore, humility incapacitates us by miring us in doubt, and
- Anyone who associates with gadflies is sure to be stigmatized by their reputation.
In short, there is really good reason to name gadflies after a creature which stings--they bring social and psychological pain. It's no wonder the people of ancient Athens put Socrates to death for being a gadfly!
But I want to point-out that people can have good reason to seek challenge and humility. We cannot reach our full potential without challenge, and we will be blind to certain truths if we lack humility. The wife of a gadfly told me why she stayed married to him: "Because I know what I can do, and what I can't do. The world needs trouble-makers because the rest of us don't have what it takes to fix the world without them." She didn't need to be humbled herself, but sought humility for the rest of the world.
Elsewhere I have suggested that our ability to relate to God depends upon relationship skills honed relating to humans. I wouldn't call God a "gadfly", but one cannot help be humbled upon confronting God's true nature. If we cannot tolerate intimacy with gadflies, how can we tolerate intimacy with God? On the flip-side, gadflies seeking someone with whom they can share emotional intimacy may be wise to look among the reverent. Those who can be intimate with God have the skills to be intimate with a gadfly.
I have been wondering what kind of husband and father a gadfly can be (the question humbles me). On the one hand, the wife and children of a gadfly are likely to be more humble and better able to face challenge. On the other hand, they may become overwhelmed with expectations, or may fear intimacy and transparency, having been stung.
The Gadfly Dad may suppress his true nature much of the time, fostering shallow relationships so as to avoid creating discomfort, but he cannot truly be a part of his family if he hides from them forever. One can only pray that such families find reconciliation, and that the fruits of their efforts include greater intimacy with God.
I Love You
To my kids:
Apparently you think you can never live up to my expectations, that you are victims of an unfair double-standard.
If you actually asked me what I want from you, you might be surprised. These would be my top three requests:
Like legs on a stool, two-out-of-three aren't enough--it will take all three to satisfy me--but doing these three things really would make me happy. I want this so much that I even wish you would post these requests on your wall where you would see them every day, and that you would feel obliged to obey your father (and it really frightens me to ask for your obedience, knowing that you may be more competent than I am). I'm a bit shocked to realize this: I do have a double-standard--I wouldn't make such requests of other people--and I really do wish I could get my way in your life on these three requests.
Yes, you're right, if I am honest, I have to admit that I am unreasonable. I think it's because I love you.
Apparently you think you can never live up to my expectations, that you are victims of an unfair double-standard.
If you actually asked me what I want from you, you might be surprised. These would be my top three requests:
- Reserve 30 minutes a day to journal, meditate, talk or pray about yourself or your goals
- Every day, help someone (or do something else you can be proud about)
- Every day, enjoy at least one inexpensive blessing (nature, music, laughter, peace, affection, creativity, etc.)
Like legs on a stool, two-out-of-three aren't enough--it will take all three to satisfy me--but doing these three things really would make me happy. I want this so much that I even wish you would post these requests on your wall where you would see them every day, and that you would feel obliged to obey your father (and it really frightens me to ask for your obedience, knowing that you may be more competent than I am). I'm a bit shocked to realize this: I do have a double-standard--I wouldn't make such requests of other people--and I really do wish I could get my way in your life on these three requests.
Yes, you're right, if I am honest, I have to admit that I am unreasonable. I think it's because I love you.
Love Monologue for a Gadfly
For auditions. Feel free to adjust gender, as appropriate.
Scene: In a bar. PAT has had a few drinks, and is trying to build camaraderie with the bartender.
PAT:
Of all the words in all the languages in all the world, "love" is the most...meaningless. My friends told me, "When you fall in love, then you'll understand." Well, now I understand they're full of it. Falling...on my face...doesn't help clarify anything. (receiving no sympathy) Yeah? Why don't you give it a try, huh? I'll tell you what, to make it easy, just tell me what part of speech is it. What part of speech is the word "love"? Do you think it's a noun, like "I gave her my love"? Hah! No way. It's not a noun. Nouns are persons, places and things. There's no actual thing given... A verb? "I loved her, she loved me"? No, verbs are actions--they're what love makes us do... An adjective, as in "a loving relationship"? Ah, you're sneaky--you are so sneaky! How can I prove anything isn't an adjective? When it comes down to it, every adjective is in the eye of the beholder. You say po-tah-to, I say po-tae-to. What's the difference? But adjectives are just decoration; they don't count. (beat) I wish love were so unimportant, but it can't be... "love" can't be just an adjective... it's not a noun, it's not a verb, and it's not an adjective. Do you want to know what it is? It's like the word "hello"... like "I hello you."... "Hi."... (suddenly sincere) "No, you don't understand, I really hello you." (laughing) Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain--he'll only confuse you...(calms down, then sincere again) "I really...hello... that present you gave me..." (laughing) See? Do you get it now? It's... polite...to say... something... in acknowledgement... to make some sort of... noise, some... indication... a grunt or something... yeah, that's it. That's what it is--the word "love" is a grunt with a vowel in the middle...You think I'm a nut? Well, I wish you were right, believe me, but it's no use ignoring the facts: first there was grunting, then there was speech, and there was bound to be something that wouldn't convert. Picture it--there's this neanderthal child...he's crying, because, oh, I don't know, he's scared of the dark. And his mother says, (sympathetically) "ahwwww..." which means "Don't worry, dear. Mommy loves you..." No words can describe how "ahwwww" could possibly protect anyone from giant scary monsters, but the kid shuts up anyway because...well, he thinks...he thinks this "ahwwww..." stuff must have something to it, something he could lose if he doesn't stop whining...OK, so then, the next day the kids start arguing, "Urghh!" "Arghh!" "Urghh!" "Arrghh!"...which means, "Mommy loves me more!" "No, Mommy loves me more!" "Does not!" "Does too!"... You see what she started? Then, Dad comes home. He sees them fighting, right? So, before Mom can dump the kids on him, he says, (sexy) "mmm-mm..." which means, "Hey, baby... I loooove you..." Incredible! It's meaningless noise, but she starts to worry--in the back of her mind she starts to think, "Maybe I'd better quiet those kids down, or I might miss-out on some of that 'mmm-mm', whatever it is." Well, it doesn't take long for the rest of the world to catch on. You too can win friends and influence people without actually committing yourself to anything. Grunt at your family. Grunt at your friends. The more you grunt, the better they'll treat you! Your grunting will become the pulse of their life dance. "Uhmp... uhmp... uhmp... uhmp..." Politicians deliver blather to millions! God has evangelicals to grunt on His behalf: "Ding-dong! Hi! Unga-hoona oowa-oowa!"...and don't forget that singing purple dinosaur... Well... now, of course, my girlfriend is doing it... She asked me how much I love her. How much do I unga-hoona oowa-oowa? I'm trying to evolve beyond that. I... admire her. Sometimes I wish I was her. I... trust her. I'm... committed to her... and, yeah, she really turns me on. I've told her that. I mean, I've told her all those things... but to say the words "I" "love" "you"? That's a control tactic--I can't do that to her! And then what do I get, for all my chivalrous sophistication? She says, "Huh..." Damn! It felt like she slammed a door into my face! ... "Huh..." Can you believe that!? ... (several beats, as though several times reconsidering what to say next) Well, maybe its not too bad; "Huh" means she still loves me, right?
Waiting to Grow-up is No Laughing Matter
I think it is important for my kids to know why (most) people want to grow-up.
Most humans enter a season when, underneath the typical ups and downs of life, they experience a relentless ache, a sense that life just isn't right. The ache doesn't go away until their relationships and career have been stabilized, until they know where they will live, who their friends and in-laws will be, and what role they will play in their community.
This is a serious matter because the typical length of that season has grown over the last couple centuries among the upper and middle classes of developed countries. A man used to start a marriage and carpentry business (both for life) as a teenager; now he may have to wait until his late twenties before he knows whether he is ready to wed or will need to relinquish his plan to be a doctor or a manager.
Most humans enter a season when, underneath the typical ups and downs of life, they experience a relentless ache, a sense that life just isn't right. The ache doesn't go away until their relationships and career have been stabilized, until they know where they will live, who their friends and in-laws will be, and what role they will play in their community.
This is a serious matter because the typical length of that season has grown over the last couple centuries among the upper and middle classes of developed countries. A man used to start a marriage and carpentry business (both for life) as a teenager; now he may have to wait until his late twenties before he knows whether he is ready to wed or will need to relinquish his plan to be a doctor or a manager.
How to be Loving about Sex
To my kids (and any potential in-laws):
A time will come when you face various options related to sex: intercourse, dating, flirting, and, of course, communicating (or hiding) your feelings. Activities related to sex lead to surprisingly large consequences (both good and bad), so it is important to be loving about sex. Telling you how to be loving about sex is like telling you how to master the viola—you can't learn viola just by reading about it, and even the best violists are still trying to improve their mastery, but it's better to get some advice than to figure it all out on your own.
You are surrounded by sex advice. The magazines in the grocery store are obvious sources, but more often it comes like advertisement, describing goals you should supposedly pursue. For example, you and every other teenager have been humming a chart-topping song that goes, "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love...I'll be your teenage dream tonight." It describes what to wear ("skin-tight jeans") and what to to do ("take a chance", "runaway" together, get "drunk on the beach", get "a motel", "look at me", "put your hands on me", let your "walls come down", "don't ever look back", "be young forever").
When I talk about being loving about sex, I mean being good to your partner...trying not to hurt him/her. We might call this "moral" love to contrast with fleeting "emotional" love, something one can feel even when being morally unloving. For example, although it is morally loving for a parent to discipline their children, it can be emotionally loving to spoil them instead. When evaluating sex advice, be aware when the kind of love promised is just emotional.
A time will come when you face various options related to sex: intercourse, dating, flirting, and, of course, communicating (or hiding) your feelings. Activities related to sex lead to surprisingly large consequences (both good and bad), so it is important to be loving about sex. Telling you how to be loving about sex is like telling you how to master the viola—you can't learn viola just by reading about it, and even the best violists are still trying to improve their mastery, but it's better to get some advice than to figure it all out on your own.
You are surrounded by sex advice. The magazines in the grocery store are obvious sources, but more often it comes like advertisement, describing goals you should supposedly pursue. For example, you and every other teenager have been humming a chart-topping song that goes, "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love...I'll be your teenage dream tonight." It describes what to wear ("skin-tight jeans") and what to to do ("take a chance", "runaway" together, get "drunk on the beach", get "a motel", "look at me", "put your hands on me", let your "walls come down", "don't ever look back", "be young forever").
When I talk about being loving about sex, I mean being good to your partner...trying not to hurt him/her. We might call this "moral" love to contrast with fleeting "emotional" love, something one can feel even when being morally unloving. For example, although it is morally loving for a parent to discipline their children, it can be emotionally loving to spoil them instead. When evaluating sex advice, be aware when the kind of love promised is just emotional.
Growing Together
I thought of this book as my dissertation, a chance to write for the sake of learning, to advance original thought, and to establish a specialization (in my case, practical philosophy).
Each chapter offers something I want for my kids:
The questions are religious, so I tried to appeal to all faiths, including atheism; I supported every answer with both science and scripture. That might have contributed to the ineffectiveness. Feedback also suggested that people don't like to move through these ideas so quickly (maybe people slow down in interfaith situations).
Each chapter offers something I want for my kids:
- How can we become wise?
- How can we become truly free?
- How can we have the deepest love?
- How can we be at peace with one another?
- How can we gain spiritual experience?
- How can we discover purpose in life?
The questions are religious, so I tried to appeal to all faiths, including atheism; I supported every answer with both science and scripture. That might have contributed to the ineffectiveness. Feedback also suggested that people don't like to move through these ideas so quickly (maybe people slow down in interfaith situations).
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